sometimes—it's like, once in a while and not always—i wish i can turn back into the moment at times when everything is out of my acknowledge. i mean, of course, mostly it sucks so much when you feel like don't know anything which is currently going on. and that's why i said it occurs rarely, this kind of feeling.
yea, that time would be perfect. the moment when i first joined a role-play forum. so naive, so innocent. simply unaware of anything else aside of having fun. i remember how it feels to be very excited, to sincerely rely on the person you're having muse with. blending—used to seem really beautiful. sounds ridiculous, i know. but it really is what i once felt, back then. i believed that all things would be just fine. i believed that a puppet master ought to be as wonderful as his character is. it was a completely silly thought, haha, since i've just heard a story how much of a bastard he is. i can't decide whether it's probably better to keep my memory knowing only the best part, since the truth is quite shaking.
aside of that, it was also time when everything between me and this someone was just—alright.
not that it's a matter now, but it's just—not all right. i know, there must be a lot of things i'm regretting of, if i could really forget all the things happened. but trust me, there are some parts which keep on bugging. it's—kinda annoying. like it's grabbing me so hard that i'm restrained, while this person not. and i keep on falling in the same fear, over and over. everyday. oh, do tell me how much i hate the feeling of insecurity; the anxiety, the disappointment. it's like i'm broken all the time, i can't keep up with the recovery. it's killing me.
you know what—they said 'ignorance is a bliss'.
—what you don't know, won't hurt you.
i guess sometimes it does true. yea, sometimes.